Let Us Be
by Writing Ficariously
Summary: He is his own man. He makes decisions for himself. If his choices hurt others, it is only because he deserves to find happiness. New Moon AU.


_Stephenie Meyer owns all TWILIGHT character as well as the background of this particular one-shot._

_Written for Daisy3853 who requested Bella & Jasper in a story based on the song, "The Weight of Us" by Sander Bohlke._

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The emotions racing through him were his own. It pulled him under a wave of guilt, a blanket of horror. Underneath it all was the twinge of hunger, of lust, of need. He cursed loudly, letting out a deep yell that scattered the few birds that nested into the trees of the forest. Without thinking of the repercussions, he slammed a hand against the trunk of a tree and watched as the bark splintered apart from his strength, his anger.

"Jasper?" she called to him softly. He spun quickly and stared at her, his wife, and felt the burn of embarrassment, of humiliation, at his lack of control. Saying nothing, he turned away again. "Jasper, it's..."

"Don't tell me it's okay," he breathed out. "It's not. This isn't..."

He fell silent and leaned against another tree trunk. Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply, letting the harsh air prickle through his body. Fingers curled into tightly clenched fists. There was no sense in his thoughts anymore; fragments of sentences wove together in nonsense.

"She's... Okay."

Jasper's head shot forward, eyes wide, when he heard Edward's dull voice. Their eyes met, but before Jasper could open his mouth to attempt an apology, he felt guilt and remorse and anguish wrap around his body, sink into his skin.

"Edward..."

"She's okay, Jasper," he said quietly, tensely. "For now, she's okay."

_I'm... The word "sorry" doesn't begin to convey my feelings, brother._

"Carlisle is stitching the wound," Edward continued as though he couldn't hear the pained thoughts blaring from Jasper. His gaze looked past Jasper, stared into the darkness of the woods. "I should go back, get ready to take her home, get ready to... say good-bye."

"Good-bye?" Jasper moved slowly from the tree to walk towards Edward. Alice's hand, so small against his arm, stopped him. From where they stood, both Alice and Jasper saw the deep swallow of air that Edward took, saw the minute way his skin shifted over muscle to allow it.

Edward nodded. "Yes. The family needs to talk when I get back." He turned his head towards the direction of the house. "I don't need to hear your apology, Jasper, but I need to keep her safe."

When he disappeared from view, when Jasper could no longer hear the light running footsteps, he shook off Alice's hand. He couldn't handle the intimacy, the love, not when he had been so close to going against what he'd taught himself for years, when he almost failed the entire family, and worse, himself.

"Jasper, you have to know that things will be okay," Alice said softly.

In his need to stay away from her, from _anyone_, Jasper paused at her words. "I know nothing, Alice, and for once, neither do you." His words cut deep but there was no pity in his voice, no remorse, no emotion whatsoever. "I'll be at the house when Edward returns but leave me alone until then."

He ran until the trees blurred around him, until the wind slid between his feet and the ground to lift him up and help him move faster. He ran until he no longer knew how much time had passed, until the air lacked the familiar scent of home. With gasping breaths that were unnecessary to his body but needed for his mental sanity, Jasper dropped to the ground, the dirt warm and loose beneath his body.

There were no thoughts in his mind. It was void of apology and pain. He reveled in the emotional peace and quiet, knowing that he only had minutes before he was requested back at the house. He had felt it, the determination beneath Edward's declaration of saying good-bye and he wondered if his actions would cause irreparable rifts between loved ones.

The run back was calm at first but the tension in his limbs grew as the sounds and scents of Forks returned to his senses. Lights were ablaze in the house and he walked in, moving to the dining room where the rest of the family stood, waiting.

Edward stared at him though everyone else immediately averted his or her eyes. Unwavering, Jasper met his stare but then took a step back when he felt the overwhelming grief wrap him in a tight blanket.

"Edward," he began but he was interrupted quickly.

"We're moving," Edward declared. "All of us – we have to."

Alice spoke first, "It's not a good idea, Edward. Please – listen to me."

"Stop, Alice," he said in a harsh command. "You have to... You have to stop looking for her future, for her life. She deserves... She deserves a normal life."

"Edward –"

"_No_, Alice." The petite woman moved her gaze to look at her husband, trying to convey the importance of her vision, but Jasper could only stare at Edward in shock. "Tomorrow," Edward continued. "I'll tell her tomorrow and we can... We can leave."

Jasper blinked as he tried to make sense of the guilt, the relief, the smugness, the horror, and everything else that was being thrown towards him. He couldn't calm the room, couldn't even calm himself. "You're serious," he said softly. "You want to _leave_, just like that? You want to leave _Bella_ over _my_ mistake?"

"Don't say her name," Edward growled out. "Don't say her name to me, not now, not when –"

There were murmurs of arguments and plans. The family was split down the middle over Edward's decision but, in the end, the plan was to move east to the opposite coast.

Jasper watched the other members of the family, the way Rosalie and Esme immediately began moving items into bundles for packing, the way Carlisle had a silent conversation with Edward, the way Emmett shook his head at his brother, and the way Alice still looked at him with pleading eyes.

"I won't go," Jasper stated simply, a quiet vow to the others. Movement stopped and the air stilled completely around the seven of them. Edward's eyes caught his. "You can't do this to her, Edward; it will kill her."

"_Being here_ will kill her," he said just as quietly, just as deadly. "What happened tonight –"

"What happened tonight was a _mistake_, one that _I_ made. If you want to cast someone out, then tell _me_ to leave, Edward, but you can't be serious with this plan. You're punishing that girl for something she couldn't help."

"It's not a punishment." Edward's tone grew harder. "It will be her salvation."

Jasper continued to stare at him until he could no longer stand the heaviness of Edward's emotions. He turned but paused. "You are making the biggest mistake of your life." Then he left the house without another word, without another glance to anyone.

He ran again, this time to escape the sounds of packing and the conversations that discussed the new home they would hopefully find in the next 24 hours. Later that night, when the moon was high and bright, Jasper heard his name being called. He said his wife's name once and she soon appeared in front of him, her eyes sad and lonely.

"I'm sorry, Alice," he said softly. "I can't go."

"Please, Jasper." She tilted her face up and her beauty struck Jasper once again. "Please don't tear this family apart any more than it already has been."

Her skin was smooth beneath his fingers. "He's making a mistake."

"I know, but it's his mistake to make."

When his hand pulled away, Jasper felt the loss of her touch deeply, and let out a shuddering breath. "I love you."

"Will you love her?" Alice said it so lowly that Jasper wondered if she had seen something but there was no way a scenario like that would _ever_ happen. "Jasper?"

"No," he said as he curled his body around her small frame. "My feelings for her aren't like that."

"Will you come visit us?"

Jasper paused. "Will you visit me here?"

There was a moment of silence before Alice responded. "He doesn't want us to come back, Jasper. He doesn't want us to be anywhere near her."

"He's not God."

"He's my brother," she said in a near whisper.

There was a shifting of the air between them. "I'm your husband."

The truth of his statement twisted in Alice's stomach and so she said the only thing she could. "I love you."

When he returned to the house the next night, it was empty, stark cold. Jasper felt the loss of Alice like a sharp knife slicing over his skin. The rooms were bare and the pain grew with each step he took until he stood in front of the closed door of his study. The doorknob was smooth in the cradle of his palm and he turned it, unsure of what he would find.

Everything was in its place. His bookshelves still lined one wall. His desk was perfect in front of the large window on the south side of the house, the lamp at the corner glowing a soft yellow in the small room. There was a rectangular piece of paper on the desk that wasn't there when he was last in the office and he shut his eyes tightly when he saw the picture of him and Alice from Bella's party.

Needing an escape from the onslaught of emotions the picture brought, from the emptiness of the house, Jasper left the house again and paused at the edge of the property. He breathed in deeply, let the scents of the earth invade his senses, and ran. He lost track of time, of space, and stopped only when a whimper sounded in the near distance. It was a low, pleading voice accentuated by a harsh gasp. He would have ignored it but he knew the sound, could hear it echoing in the midst of flames and mirrors and broken floorboards.

"Bella?" He called her name as he ran towards the sound, the keening sounds of a life dying of heartbreak. "Where are you?" he murmured to himself.

And then it hit him, like what he imagined a train would feel as it pushed him off a track, like Emmett throwing him against a tree during one of their wrestling matches, like Maria's fingers wrapped around his neck with her nails pressing into the hardness of his skin in a threat of death. The pain was new, cold, and it tugged at Jasper's limbs in ruthless pulls. He stopped and tried to control the emotion but it was overtaking him, begging him for help, begging him for mercy.

Invisible claws raked over his shoulders, down his arms, across his torso. They beckoned him forward and, in an unusual show of weakness, he stumbled through the fallen leaves and branches of a recent story until he saw her curled in a ball against the dirt. He made his way toward her on his knees, unable to fight the unforgiving misery that covered Bella like a heavy blanket. He wanted to peel it away, give her room to breathe, but it was too much even with the centuries of power in his body.

"Bella," he said her name softly and she only let out a broken cry in response. "Bella, please." He turned her over with gentle hands. Her body moved like a rag doll, limp and loose, and when she was on her back, her eyes stared up into the dark sky. "Bella, look at me. It's Jasper."

"No," she whispered. "Edward. Edward!" She continued to call out his name, every syllable growing more and more frantic, until she was almost hysterical in her need to find him. When Jasper reached out to her shoulder, she let out a shriek and fought against him, only to break down again when he wouldn't let go. "Edward," she said one more time.

"I'm sorry," Jasper apologized though he wasn't sure if he was apologizing for his actions on her birthday, for Edward's absence, or something else entirely. Though hesitant, he slid his hands beneath her body and lifted her up, cradled her against his chest, and stood on shaky legs. He wasn't used to feeling so out of control but if there was one thing he owed Bella, it was to be her savior in that very moment.

Charlie was glad to see her but demanded to know what had happened. The only thing Jasper could say was that Edward was gone and his family had followed. When the Chief asked why he hadn't gone, Jasper only looked at the streaks of tears on Bella's face and apologized to Charlie for not finding her sooner. He left after transferring her prone body into Charlie's arms.

He returned in the middle of the night just as Bella let out a pained cry and shot up to a sitting position in bed. Her eyes were wild, her fingers curled into the fabric of the purple blanket, and shallow breaths escaped her mouth. Without thought, Jasper allowed a wave of serenity to float through the room as he moved to her in an effort to lull her back to sleep. Sleepy eyes fluttered at him when he stood over her bed. As gently as possible, he pushed her shoulders back until she was lying down.

"Edward?" she breathed.

He couldn't lie to her but he couldn't stay silent. "Not tonight, Bella," he said, surprised at the hoarseness of his tone. "Go back to sleep." Her eyes shut again and her head turned so that she was resting against her right cheek. Jasper took a deep breath and shuddered at the scent that filled his nostrils. "Not tonight," he repeated.

Every night, he returned to her room, the way Edward often had. She was always restless and turned uncomfortably throughout the night. Jasper walked a fine line during the late hours, torn between a need to comfort the girl who had become such a part of his life and a duty that allowed the pain to lace through her body in a natural grief.

The days went on blandly for Jasper. He was supposed to be away at college, so he spent the time at the corners of the school, trying to make sure Bella was okay. She wasn't, was so far from it that he wondered for her sanity. Each passing day brought her lower, caused the pain to widen in her chest; Jasper could hear the steady beat of her heart, could feel the darkness rising inside of her, could see the disintegration of a once-happy girl.

She was awake when he entered her room on the first night of October. Her knees were drawn to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, and her head rested against her knees. Jasper paused at the window with one foot on the ledge and the other on her bedroom floor.

"Bella."

Slowly, so slowly, she lifted her head and her mouth opened slightly when she saw him. Even in the darkness, he could see the dullness in her eyes, the drawn paleness of her skin. "So it's you," she said softly. "You've been the one visiting me at night, not him."

Jasper paused, uncertain of how to proceed. "I'm sorry," he finally said.

Bella laid her head back down on her knees. "Does he call you?"

"No."

"Does Alice?"

At the question, Jasper froze. In a quiet tone, he answered, "No. No, she hasn't."

Bella nodded though the movement was stilted by her position. Her legs fell flat against the bed and she let her body fall backwards until the back of her head hit the pillow. "Will you stay tonight?"

"I will," he promised.

He still stood by the window but he shut it now that he was inside. The fall air was slowly turning cold and he didn't want her to feel the brisk wind. He moved to sit at her desk, the way he always did, and she watched him move across her bedroom. He sat. She stared.

"Why did you stay?" Her voice was a whisper in the darkness.

He gave her the only answer he could. "I couldn't leave." It made no sense, to either of them, but it was enough for Bella to nod. "You should rest." He almost didn't hear her response.

"I'm sorry, Jasper."

It continued for nights, weeks, months. Sometimes she was sleeping already by the time he arrived. He noticed that the time she spent sleeping lasted longer as the leaves began to fall and the bitter chill of winter began to make its way into town. Occasionally, Edward's name would leave her lips but it was happening less as time moved on. There were nights when she was still awake as though she was waiting for him. Her mouth would turn up into a smile but Jasper could see the emotions swimming behind her eyes, guilt and longing and pain.

They were the same emotions he was feeling even when he was alone.

"Do you think they'll ever come back?" she asked one night. She was still dressed in her outfit from school that day. "Jasper?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't heard from anyone since..."

"Since my birthday," she finished for him. A pregnant pause gathered between them, looping the tension in a tight rope that wanted to burst free. "I don't... Jasper, I don't blame you for anything. You know that, don't you?"

A steady symphony of rain played on the roof and against her window. Jasper counted the beats per minute for five minutes. Finally, he gave her a small, tight-lipped smile. "You're far too forgiving."

"I have to be," she said with a sad smile of her own. "You carry far too much guilt."

The phone call that came the next night was a surprise to Jasper. It was nearing two in the morning but he had been sitting in his study. He knew Bella might be waiting up for him but she had been right – there was far too much guilt in him but it had nothing to do with her birthday.

His wife's name across the screen of his cell phone spoke volumes. "Alice," he said when he picked up.

"_Don't do it, Jasper,"_ she said but it sounded more like a plea than a command. _"Please, this isn't... Don't do this, not to us, not to her, not to Edward."_

"I haven't done anything," he said sharply.

Her laugh was bitter. _"But you will. There will be pain, Jasper, pain and heartache."_

"For who?"

Silence was his only answer for minutes and seconds until a broken cry sounded on the other end, a dry sob that tore into Jasper's chest like claws from the Devil himself.

"Alice, this wasn't supposed to happen," he said quietly, softening his tone at her distress. "It... I wasn't expecting this."

"_Why did you stay?"_ she demanded. _"Why didn't you come with us? Why did you-"_

"Why did you go?" Jasper interrupted her questioning. "Why did you choose him over me?"

"_I didn't! I was helping him. He needed me."_

"And is he there with you now?" She didn't respond right away and Jasper knew the answer. "Where is he, Alice?"

"_South America, I think."_ She sounded uncertain on his whereabouts. _"He hasn't called."_

Before he said the words, Jasper felt terrible for them. "Then he didn't really need you, did he?"

When she spoke again, it was a defeated tone. _"He'll never forgive you. I don't think I could ever forgive you."_

"Alice..." He paused and gathered his thoughts. "Alice, I love you, I will always love you."

"_But?"_

"But please don't look into my future anymore. You'll only get hurt."

He hung up the phone before she could say anything. Beneath his thumb, the _END CALL_ key depressed into the phone until the device cracked in half. Jasper's eyes closed and he dropped the phone onto the desk; the sound of it hitting the wood was far too loud and he needed to get away.

Just like months before, he ran from the house, ignoring the paths. He tried to clear his mind but it wouldn't empty the thoughts that had accumulated over the weeks he'd spent with Bella. Her face swam behind his eyelids. It morphed from the look of depression she wore at Edward's departure into the healthy look of bright eyes and a smile when she spoke to him at night. He didn't know where he was but he could smell her. Her blood had drawn him in instantly, almost as strongly as it had with Edward, but now he could smell the lingering traces of her shampoo in her hair, the moisturizing soap and lotion on her skin, the mint of her breath.

She had gotten under the thickness of his skin in only a matter of months. What was it about her? Edward had fallen prey to her scent, had claimed her as a love, but he had left. He was only a shadow now but Jasper knew what he had felt. If he had a heart, it would have raced against time to hold Bella, to kiss her, to breathe her in.

Coming to a stop in a cluster of trees, Jasper let out a bellowing shout, confusion and anger coursing through him. He didn't ask for this new need, this longing, this primal desire. What had started as a need to protect a broken girl was now a steady, thrumming beat that directed him to Bella, a light that told him that she could become his savior now in the life he had just destroyed.

Throughout the night, he stood in the woods, staring at the bark of a tree. He wanted to make sense of everything. He _needed_ to make sense of everything.

He had Alice.

Alice left him for Edward.

Edward had left the family, most likely from the guilt of what he had done to Bella.

Bella looked at him now with trusting eyes.

Her trust was the strength that bound them together.

He wanted to bind himself to her, feel her palm against his, her head on his shoulder. He wanted to push her hair behind her ears and make her laugh. He wanted to hold her close and feel the pants of her breathing, the beat of her heart in her chest, the pulse in her neck.

As the sun began to rise, Jasper turned and ran back to the house, determined to do what his brother could not. Edward had chosen fear over courage. He had denied his own desires in an effort to save someone who did not need to be saved. Jasper would find the power to be strong, to understand his own needs and the wants of others.

The red truck parked in front of the house halted his running. Soft sobs came from the cab of the truck, a desperate sound of desolation, and Jasper moved quickly to the driver's side door to see Bella leaned over the wheel. Her hair covered her face and her hands tangled in her hair as her shoulders shrugged up and down.

"Bella, shh," he said easily. He opened the door and she sat up quickly, her eyes wide and surprised. "What's wrong? What happened?" Visions entered his mind – Charlie being hurt, Edward returning, a death.

Her words shocked him. "You weren't here."

Jasper took a step back. She swiped at her eyes and cheeks and cleared her throat in an effort to quell the cries and make herself look presentable again. She swung her legs around so that she looked like she was about to jump out of the truck. Her eyes stared at him, unflinchingly willing him to understand.

"I'm right here," he said quietly.

"You never came last night," she said softly. "I dreamt of him." He knew who she meant. "He left and you saved me." Perhaps it was more of a memory. "But then you left, too, and I came here this morning to find it empty and-"

Immediately, he was in front of her, pulling her down from the cab and holding her close. Her body was small against his though not as uncomfortable as it had been when he held Alice in the same way. Bella's fingers wound into the fabric of his shirt to hold him close. Face buried in his shirt, she breathed in deeply, trying to control her emotions but Jasper could feel everything surrounding them.

"Bella," he said her name. Brown eyes, full of relief and warmth, looked up at him from a tilted face. On their own accord, Jasper's hands moved from their position around her shoulders to her cheeks, palms cupping her face carefully.

It was the closest they'd ever been to each other. Jasper could see every vein beneath her skin, every chapped line on her lips. A thumb brushed over her bottom lip. Her mouth parted and the exhalation of breath was warm over skin. With a nudge of his hands, her head titled back some more and, for once, Jasper ignored the throbbing of her pulse that begged him to taste her.

The lids of her eyes fluttered shut, her lashes rested against the soft skin beneath her eyes, and she waited. Jasper felt it then, the new emotions that seemed to wind up both of their bodies like ribbons tying them together.

Hope.

Nervousness.

Desire.

Guilt.

Uncertainty.

Anticipation.

"I won't be able to go back after this," Jasper said. His words brushed over the skin of her cheek, cool and sweet, a feeling that was familiar yet new for Bella. "Do you understand, Bella? I won't be able to go back. Neither will you."

She breathed his name. The wind danced around them and threatened to steal it from her lips but Jasper was quicker. His mouth was cool against her warm mouth and the temperatures dueled in the tight embrace. It was different for both of them, a stark contrast to their most recent kisses.

It was a sharp sting of ice melting from in the burning flames of a rising phoenix. Bella kept completely still, too used to the commands of her past, and Jasper was glad for it. Kissing humans wasn't new but kissing one that had come to mean a great deal to him _was_ new. He could understand the pain that always lurked within Edward, could understand the fear that he wasn't strong enough to pull away, to keep Bella safe.

"Don't," she said earnestly when Jasper pulled away. "Don't do that. Please. He always did that. _Always._"

Jasper's eyes closed briefly and he relished in the blackness the movement offered him for a time. When he opened them again, Bella was looking up at him, her top teeth worrying the corner of her mouth. He thumbed her bottom lip until her teeth let go and he gave her a small smile, one that didn't reach his eyes as he said, "I understand why he did it." She looked away from him. Annoyance and anger swept through her, through _him_, so Jasper brought her face back around so she could see him. "I want to keep you safe."

"So did he," she said.

He struggled with the words. "I find you beautiful in a way I've never seen anyone else," he admitted. "I don't know how to handle that."

Her eyes looked down at the space between their two bodies. "He once said something like that, too."

"Stop comparing me to him," he requested quietly though the need to scream out the order was there, just beneath the surface of his skin.

When she looked back up, her eyes were hard. "You haven't given me a reason not to do that."

It was a challenge and Jasper grasped it with both hands. He leaned down and blew cool breath into her face lightly. Her eyes went unfocused for a split-second and, by the time she got her bearings back together, his mouth moved against hers urgently, demanding a response from her. He felt her hands against the top of his jeans and felt the back of her fingers brush against the denim as she curled them beneath his belt loops. A low, warning hiss sounded when he pulled away from her mouth a bit but she lifted herself up on her toes and caught his bottom lip between hers, warming him slowly.

Bella pulled away and blinked up at him. A faint blush rose from her neck, spotting the apples of her cheeks. "What's this?" Jasper asked as he pressed a finger at the pooled blood beneath her skin. "Embarrassed already?"

"This is new, you know," she told him. "He never let me... get much farther than a simple kiss."

Jasper grinned then, a wide smile that spread across his face in amusement. He moved his head slightly so that his mouth was against her ear. "Then perhaps this will be a little different than last time." He shifted back so he could see her reaction. "For both of us," he finished.

"We can't go back." She finally understood his words from earlier, _truly_ understood what he meant. "They won't ever forgive us, forgive _this_."

It wasn't a question but Jasper felt the need to answer her. "No, they won't." The truth of the declaration pierced through their bodies. "This won't be easy," he warned and he spoke of his control, her desire to become a vampire, the reactions they were bound to see and hear, and more.

Bella just gave him a trusting smile. There was still a sadness in the curve of her lips but there was also a determination that made Jasper proud. "I'm ready," was all she said.

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_Thank you to Sara for the beta work._


End file.
